What We Have Hoped For
by judypastel
Summary: When Kurogane sees Fai for the first time, he thinks winter. Drabbles. KuroFai.


**Notes: **Follows Kurogane and Fai throughout different worlds. Skipped a few arcs if you don't mind. Manga only.

* * *

When Kurogane sees Fai for the first time, he thinks _winter_ and how the landscape of his country all of a sudden stops with the first snowfall. He remembers an expanse of whiteness and how they would wear weightier clothes, or how they will be short of breath because the cold wind is appallingly heavy and hard on the lungs. He remembers his princess as well as she trudges ahead of him through the snow. Always ahead of him without turning her head around to see if he is still following. Still following, because Kurogane knows that there is no one in the world more important. 

In that country that bears the same name as his own, in front of the Witch of Dimensions, Fai calls him 'Blacky.' Kurogane realizes how different they are and he thinks _night_ and _day_. In his fury he fails to see that this is the first time someone other than his princess has looked at him without any sign of fear.

---

Fai is all lightness, like the wind. He acts as though he is already at home and now he stands behind the counter mixing flour, water and 3 cups of sugar. He is humming quietly. Kurogane watches him pour another cupful into the bowl and cringes.

"What are you doing?" Kurogane asks, his voice rough and loud as it should be. It startles him because it seems out of place in the kitchen where the sunlight is soft-warm against his skin.

"Pancakes." Fai answers simply flashing a smile that means nothing at all. "Check if the batter's all right with you, Kuro-rin." He lifts the bowl in offer. Kurogane lets the bastardization of his name go because he feels diplomatic and it is, after all, too early in the morning. He moves towards the mage instead, in great strides as warriors are taught. He swipes his finger on the side of the bowl and tastes, cringes.

"You should know too much sugar kills."

"It does?" Fai adds another half-cup. "But you should know we're not in a war camp, so none of that horrible food you're so fond of. Besides, that girl would be hungry when she wakes up and I'm positive she'll like sugar a lot."

Kurogane lets it go. He sees that they could be happy here, as ordinary people are when their needs are simple [1: warm light, pancakes for breakfast, Fai humming a song.

---

Kurogane is comfortable in his clothes even though they are now tattered because of a recent fight. He feels like he is home except that the air smells slightly more rural and crisp, and that there is no Tomoyo-hime to worry about.

Fai is sitting a few feet away from him, a cup of tea in his hands. His clothes, aside from being ragged, don't fit him—his blonde hair, the blueness of his eyes. He has spoken little after the fight but still gives his smiles as if they are required.

"Ah! What you did back there, Kurogane," he begins, now, his voice cadenced and sharp.

Kurogane notes how his name is used and listens appropriately. "I suppose I should say 'thank you.'" But it isn't gratitude that Kurogane hears but something dark and spiteful like a warning.

---

The men at camp are afraid of Fai because he is different and he speaks in a language not familiar to them. They've seen him in the battlefield and his arrows always strike smooth and true. So he learns to fake the role forced on him. He learns to keep a straight face and walk like a fighter with every intention of staying alive.

Kurogane on the other hand has already blended in. He has picked up the language in no time because it is similar to his. He sees Fai moving among the other soldiers and he thinks it wrong for him to be there at all. Fai is not Fai when he practices with his bow or when he fits his armor for a battle.

Kurogane then can't help but admit that he likes his company more when they are alone. At night Fai attempts to talk to him. He rambles on and on in that strange language of his and Kurogane forgets that he cannot understand a single word.

---

"Finally something I can understand." Fai has managed to slip behind Kurogane without him noticing, with a black hardbound book in hand.

Kurogane sees the strange writing and its elaborateness startles him. He imagines Fai's language to be coarse and metallic and difficult for the ears and tongue.

"What is it about?" he asks nevertheless because he is curious about the place the magician grew up in.

"It's an epic poem. Ashura-ou read these sort of things to me when I was young. I would be so drawn to them that sometimes I felt they were real."

"I bet the hero always dies a painful and bloody death in the end." Kurogane remarks, just to spite because Fai is getting overexcited again. He knows that this would soon lead to much clinging and more nicknames.

"You're right." Fai says softly. "But I never knew that until I could read them myself because he always stops just before the last verse. He is both kind and cruel like that, Kurogane."

---

They are leaving soon and it is a relief for all of them. Fai is still just learning to navigate with one eye. He folds the cloaks they used and frowns at the messy pile they make, the creases and the untidiness of his work.

"Don't bother." Kurogane tells him.

But Fai stubbornly picks up another one and begins folding again as meticulously as he could. Kurogane watches his hands work, the network of veins almost visible under the skin.

"I said don't bother."

Kurogane thinks he sees a flash of gold in his eye when Fai drops the cloak to look at him. Then, it might have been just the sunlight coming in streaks through the window. It is almost sundown and in this light, the rubbles outside look whole again. They are almost magnificent. Kurogane wonders briefly if he will ever be forgiven.

---

"You should drink." Kurogane says and he knows immediately that it would be another great effort on his part. Fai is sitting on the bed, pale-thin under a yellow light.

"Yes. But I want you to get something from me in return."

Kurogane doesn't answer. He waits and searches Fai's face for any show of hate. It is there surging like waves in his eye. When Fai reaches for his hand, it is without warning. He brings it to his neck.

"Take me, Kurogane. It is all I have to give." He says simply.

Kurogane hits him hard across the face. He sees Fai collide with the wooden headboard, and stays just long enough to watch a thin stream of blood fall from his mouth to the white sheets.

They don't see Fai the following day and the day after that. Sakura in her silent stupor is starting to worry. Kurogane knows because of the way her eyebrows knit together or because of the way she fists at her black dress as if she has something important to say but couldn't say it.

Then there is a clatter coming from Fai's room and Kurogane is ramming himself against the door. It swings open easily enough and entering, he sees Fai on the floor. He lifts him up not too carefully, surprised at how little he weighs, and brings him to the bed.

Kurogane bites down on his tongue long and hard enough to draw blood before he pries open Fai's mouth with his own. His hand is at the small of his back, another on the side of his face where it is cool like the rest of his body. He braces himself as Fai starts sucking. And when Fai is finished, Kurogane falls over his chest, the tangy taste of blood still at the back of his throat. The door is left slightly ajar. The two kids are gone. He feels Fai's steady breathing, hears the strong beat of his heart and is satisfied.

"You think I'm disgusting." Fai says some seconds later.

Kurogane quickly answers 'no' before he realizes that it is not a question.

---

The wind in this country is ceaseless and strong. It scratches and burns the skin. Kurogane's hands are cold despite the thick gloves.

Fai leads them through the castle gates where the dead bodies are half-decayed, half-preserved by the perpetual snow. Kurogane wonders if Fai had known these people. And if this is so, he wonders what he must have felt like when he found them ripped apart and bloody, mouths open as if to scream.

When they reach the doors to the main hall he almost stops Fai from going inside. He wants to say that they could leave this place, that Syaoran can see to it that the princess is saved. But he doesn't. Instead he stands attentive and still. After all, soldiers are taught to be fearless so they can easily let go of the things they value and love.

---

It is almost nightfall and they are leaving the next day. Kurogane faces the nearing darkness. The palace looks foreign and unreal. It frightens him when he realizes that he will not miss this place, not even Tomoyo-hime who has waited for him, suffering small deaths because she has always known even from far away what their losses are, their little gains.

There are footsteps from the door and he knows Fai is standing in the halflight.

"When all this is over," starts Kurogane, the strength in his voice never leaving him. "come back here with me. I want to show you every corner of this world."

"I will." answers Fai and Kurogane knows that it is true.


End file.
